Merdeka is an illusion, at least to me it is
will i get busted for this? in this country, you never know…
anything can get you busted…
i hardly ever get personal in this blog, but today, i feel like just baring my soul
the reason for this state of mind is something that must plague most, if not all malaysians
when you are fed (stuffed) with daily doses of lies, slander, stupidity, mockery and ignorance
you become dull, the grey matter in your skull shrinks to an unidentifiable size
dullness becomes a part of you
i wish i could go somewhere and just turn off everything that is malaysia.
i think only then i will have complete peace of mind, utter serenity, pure bliss
this is not running away, nor is it escapism, but a self-rescue mission to avoid all things poisonous to the soul
yet can one run away from one self?
maybe i should just lay-off the internet and live in the real world, without reading newspapers or watching tv.
no more emails or mobile phones
just go back to old fashion snail mail, and turning up at people’s houses if you want to meet them
you might be shoo-ed away, given a piece of your friend’s mind, but at least there will be real connection
yet such relationships have its problems too
maybe i should just read books, good books and meaningful books.
perhaps write my long overdue poems, poems about how the sea no longer rush to the shore, but to a sewege hole
or why the sky is no longer blue but grey…?
did i tell you that once long ago i wrote a story about suicide? i said suicide was an alternative to life…
i got bombarded for that; people called me names; and suggested i get sent to a loony bin
it doesnt help that my family name is loone, and that affectionately, friends (and foe alike) called me ‘looney?”
not that anyone could reason out with me why suicide is not an alternative to life
the first thing people do is condemn, denigrate, and of course ban you from their thoughts
by the way, my poems have been floating in my mind forever
they are taking shape, even becoming human
also growing wings
and they have started to haunt me in my sleep
begging me to transfer them into paper, but i am putting them all aside for awhile…and for what?
i’ve been having so many dreams, lately, visions, blurry, hazy and unclear
but i have the uncanny feeling, they are trying to tell me things…there are hidden messages
premonition, predictions, or perhaps, memories from another lifetime?
i should go into the forests, really
explore the artistic side of me, which i had neglected, due to total disrespect and ignorance
towards the other sides of me
i almost always paint in black on white
i have examples, but i dont have my drawings with me now
if i reveal them, they might be a sight for sore eyes, are you prepared?
the thing about the society we live in is that its becoming more repressive instead of open
for example, drawing nude bodies of women, supposed to be an expression of women’s sexuality
might just get your painting banned
“ban” is such a familiar word in this country, it’s almost becoming a national bahaviour
coming back to books
i just finished reading “the kite runner”, a story about friendship in afghanistan
i wept shamelessly, it was heart-provoking
written in simple, but meaningful and powerful English
here, the writer doesnt brag about himself, how good he is, how holy-moly, etc
but admits all his failures… and how unworthy he is of a great friendship from one that is an outcast of his community
which brings me back to what is making me so melancholy
i am feeling more and more distant from the land that i was born
it’s becoming increasingly unreal, my people, most of them anyway, also look up to what is unreal
the more i know some people, the more isolated i feel
the more i think about this country, the more distant i feel
does this make me unpatriotic? though i never thought much of the word ‘patriotism”
especially when it has become such a cliche, when it’s constantly used, abused and exploited
by the government for its own gain and merits
did i tell you i hate governments? which makes me an anarchist
is there a law against anarchists in malaysia?
hate government does not equal to hate country
but the word patriotic only leaves a sour taste in my mouth
its hard, though, not to get involved
not to get angry and mad when there is endless harping about unity, but less or no integrity
when there is endless exposes about corruption but equally endless denials
when freedom of speech becomes a privilege not a right
when more and more people prefer politician power than people’s power
these are not signs of a progressive nation, but instead quite the opposite
but i have to let go, i have to take things lightly, for the sake of my soul, my sanity
truth is, it’s hard to let go
i know i hear you say “merdeka” a million times
i am going to be reminded again and again this month, like a broken record
it’s been 50 years now,and the colonials have long since left
but are we really free?
what did we free ourselves from?
we seem to be more entrenched, more set in our ways, more backwards
we have become more polarised, more divided, and worst of, more rascist than ever
repressive laws used 50 years ago are as alive and actively used now, even more than they did years ago
and you tell me there is a cause to celebrate?
don’t give me the government’s propaganda
and don’t give me comparisons to poorer countries
you need to be more convincing.
coz i am totally unconvinced. but if you think otherwise,
Give me a reason to celebrate merdeka, and I promise never to bore you with my rantings again.
Merdeka is an illusion, at least to me it is